i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?