I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching