Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.