Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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