i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
