its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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