You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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