Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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