So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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