i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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