there's paper in my vomit.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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