All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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