you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
