what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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