It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
