Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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