i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There's always time for handjobs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm gonna fight the coyote