6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult