someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
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Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on