Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor