well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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