i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
