woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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