Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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