So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
