wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is my gift to your gina
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
