Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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