Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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