so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
