I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
