Welp...herpes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
