Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
