So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
