Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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