i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
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She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid