Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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