just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
