i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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