morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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