Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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