don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my shit smells like andre
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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