I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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