If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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