also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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