Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
