420 ftw
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We have started to decorate penises.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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