Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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