Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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