Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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