I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
