he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
