the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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