Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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