how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
