Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
