Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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