I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
