If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
