dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
