Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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