I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
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A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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