guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hippo gnu deer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
