When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
