I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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