I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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