the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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